The Blessing formed by the rhythm section of the originalPortishead

Shower Bar

"I signed up for an exercise class at the local gym," we overhear awoman telling her pals. "I was told to wear loose- fitting clothes. "So I told them: if I had any loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn'tneed to go to the class." The Blessing, formed by the rhythm section of the originalPortishead, are one of the opening acts this month at the GlasgowInternational Jazz Festival. Their management sent up a publicitypicture (below) of them wearing paper bags over their heads, andfestival staff in Glasgow assumed it was merely the photographertrying to be arty. Then the rider - the list of items that the band need supplied forthem - arrived at the Jazz Festival office and it included: "FourNew York deli-style brown bags." So perhaps they really will taketo the stage with them over their nappers. Or perhaps they're going to a grab-a-granny night in Glasgow afterthe show. Who knows? Parlez Franglais? A SCOT working in France cringed last week when he heard an Englishcolleague, who after three years in France can barely ask for abeer in the local language, being briefed by bosses about how hewas being put in charge of a new project. "So as we say in England," replied the English chap, "you're givingme carte blanche." Rocking the boat A READER swears to us he was in the pub at a small west-coastfishing port when the siren rang for the local lifeboat crew. Immediately a chap further down the bar jumped to his feet andheaded for the door. "I didn't know you were in the lifeboat crew, Lachie," said hisdrinking companion. "I'm not," replied Lachie. "But my girlfriend's husband is." Nightmare of history THE suggestion that the early rounds of Euro 2008 are looking likea lesson in modern studies, what with the Germans rolling overPoland and the French surrendering, leads reader Colin Robertson toponder: "Surely the Yanks won't be allowed to turn up just in timefor the semis, wondering why they weren't invited from the start,and then proceed to take all the glory?" Holy wino A DRUNK weaving out of a bar spots a minister walking past andimmediately announces to him that he is Jesus Christ. The ministertries to calm him down by telling him he is mistaken, but the drunkis adamant. "Here, I can prove it to you," he says, taking the minister by thearm and leading him into the bar he has just left. The barman looks up and says: "Jesus Christ. Not you again." London calling A COMPANY has been getting in touch with businesses on behalf ofthe Scottish Government and Future Skills Scotland to survey themon what skills are lacking in Scotland at present. The company - almost inevitably, say those who enjoy a touch ofirony - is based in London.